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Because I for one could use a laugh

March 1, 2007

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas’pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. (via A day in the life of Sachi)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

+++

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

+++

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

+++

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

+++

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

+++

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

+++

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

+++

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what they’re for.

+++

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

+++

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.

+++

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

+++

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

+++

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

+++

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

+++

And the best one for last………………

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

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