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May 6, 2009

I’m sitting here watching Real Housewives and am just baffled.  Who are these people?  How do people like that exist?  But I didn’t sign in to wordpress to comment on the madness that is Bravo (really, I swear).

Life has been all over the map in the last few months, which always leads to a lapse in blogging.  I have struggled with my work identity for the past year, feeling that the tasks I was given didn’t make enough use of the 8 years of school I put in.  My career is finally shifting to a place where I get to use more of my background and I’m happy about that, but the downside is it makes me realize just how out of practice I am when it comes to the fundamentals and how much I have to catch up.  Ugh.

M has moved to Colorado, which is bad for the obvious reasons, but good because it forces me to plan my time better and do things like this

Table from Ikea, covered with paper and shelf liner to cover up scratches

The struggle of knowing M and I would be living in different states and the shift in responsibilities at work have made me more introspective and have made me question how I spend my time, now that weekends aren’t spent as a couple.  When I’m frustrated with my life (usually with work), my MO is to go home, eat crap for dinner, and watch TV (hence Bravo).  No crafting, no sewing, no knitting, no blogging.  It’s a boring existence when I reach that point – when I am in front of a computer 8 hours a day at work and then even more when I get home, my brain shuts off and I have nothing to talk about when M calls.  It’s a hard habit to break, but I’ve found the less time I spend watching TV and surfing the internet, the happier I am.

And of coures, the obvious reason I’m more introspective this week is that Friday is the 2 year anniversary of my brother’s suicide.  While I have on the surface returned to normal, on the inside I still miss him and wish that he’d made that other choice.  Wishing can’t bring him back, but it does make me appreciate the time I did have with him more.  When I think about all the experiences he’ll never have, it makes me reconsider how much time I waste on mindless activities, regret, and anger.  So this Friday I will be in Boulder, enjoying seeing M again, and watching a movie Henry and I enjoyed watching so many times when we were younger.

This isn’t a post pleading for pity or proclaiming the horrors of an electronic life.  It’s a thinking-out-loud post, and an explanation for what will most likely be sporadic posting in the next few months as things continue to shift.  So have a good week all and I’ll catch you in a few weeks or so.


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